This is personal. Years ago, I bought a terrible VW Golf out of desperation as a commuter to get to school. It was a junker. But when I needed to sell it, I decided to put all of my advertising production skills to use to do it: writing, video editing, a little animation, and ACTING! I posted this video, along with a thorough write-up, in an effort to sell this piece of junk for all it was worth. This was the video.
And this was the ad copy:
What makes a basic car the best? There are few vehicles that can answer this question better than White Lightning. This rip-roaring 1998 Volkswagen Golf took the world by storm at the same time Britney Spears exploded onto the scene with pigtails, a uniform that clearly didn’t meet school standards, and a hit song that was probably played on this car’s FM channel a ridiculous amount of times (on Z95.3) before it stopped working.
Now, after 21 years of politely sharing highways and barely making yellow lights, this basic beast is still trucking, even though it’s the furthest thing from a truck you can find. But let’s be real, time has given this Mexican-factory-made máquina some guts, some grit, and some issues. And sure, it’s got nothing special going for it, but it has exactly what you need to get from A to B, maybe even C-ish—or at least it has some parts you can salvage if that’s your thing, you handy person, you.
So what makes White Lightning basically the best?
– Basic front doors: They open and close with a precision only matched by its back doors.
– Basic trunk: This opens and closes pretty well, too. You just gotta give it some gusto, a doublecheck, and the occasional third or fourth college try (offers from penny-pinching college students welcome).
– Basic 2.0 litre engine: It purrs like a cat and roars like a lion thanks to its basic muffler with a hole in it. In fact, it hits a decibel level that’s so douchey, people will think you’re driving a Porché—until you slowly round the corner to disappointed/irritated stares. Note: This little-engine-that-could has also caused the orange check engine light to illuminate, filling the dash with a warm glow that apparently says the catalytic converter has a sensor problem. So unless “The Inconvenient Truth” really spoke to you about global warming, this light is basically just an inconvenience that can be covered by tape. – Basic suspension: So bouncy and plush that you essentially have hydraulics. You just don’t control them. (And isn’t that more fun anyway?)
– Basic wheels and plastic hub caps: These are only upstaged by the one mismatched passenger-side wheel, which was sourced from a used-tire shop in Aldergrove (no hubcap). Think of it as an accent piece.
– Basic headlights: These aren’t pointing perfectly straight ahead (they’re essentially cross-eyed), but you’ll be able to see things and perspectives at night that other drivers simply can’t, which, I guess, makes this car basically super woke.
– Speed holes: My friend Steve accidentally broke off the front right light covers, leaving a hole in the front of the car. The cover is in the back seat if you want to fix it. Or you could leave it, keep the speed hole, and be cool.
– And, like any basic car from the 90s, this time-honoured hatchback has got high kilometres, but that odometer reading (like the car’s age) is just a number that proudly proclaims, “I’ve been a lot of places, and seen a lot of Wendy’s Drive-Thru’s.” So, want to get back to basics with a car that basically runs fine? Contact me today and take White Lightning for a ride you’ll never forget.
